Embracing Uniqueness: Nurturing Individuality in Twins

Twins, double the joy, double the love, and sometimes, double the confusion! As a parent of twins, you're familiar with the magical bond they share. But what about their individuality? How do you nurture their unique personalities and interests while celebrating their twin connections? This is something I am continuously thinking about and grappling with.

Our oldest set of twins have had an extremely strong bond since birth. They were holding hands within seconds after being born. When one is sad, the other consoles. When one is scared, the other reassures. When one does something new, the other is cheering them on. They stay up way past their bedtime singing songs and giggling together in their room. When they were born I had the assumption that since they were twins, their personalities would be alike. However, as they get older, it is easy to see how each one is becoming more and more unique. I have had a lot of trial and error trying to figure out ways to build their connectedness while trying to develop their individuality.

Noah is our gentle giant. I mean this kid is huge! He is off the growth charts for height and weight. He has always been a methodical and analytical thinker. He has a memory like a trap and loves to learn about all things animal related. He will meticulously set up scenarios with toys like farms or carnivals.

Elliott is our empath. He feels everyone's emotions to a high degree. When I told him I had a headache, he had to kiss and rub my head to make sure it was better. When Noah was scared to go through the car wash, Elliott held his hand and told him over and over that it was ok. He is a very visual learner and can complete a giant floor puzzle in record time. These boys were born at the same time, have gone through every moment of their first three years of their life together, but could not be more different.

I am quickly learning how each one needs something different from me. I am learning ways to adjust my parenting style to best meet their needs. This is something that I am continually learning to navigate through trial and error. I am quickly learning that what works for one does not work for the other. When Noah is upset, my response has become very different compared to when Elliott is upset. They want me to play and interact with them differently and need affection in different ways and at different times.

As the boys are getting older, I am learning that they need more individual time with each parent. They rarely have the opportunity when they are alone with us and have our individual attention. I am working on prioritizing my time in a way that allows me one on one time with each boy. I am learning that this doesn't need to be a big event where I'm taking them out to eat or to the park. Sometimes this isn't feasible for us with four kids under four. Noah loves to read books and learn about different types of animals and Elliott always wants to help me fold and put away laundry. It's about how I am prioritizing the moments of time within our day to ensure I have individual time with each one to read a new book or talk while folding clothes. I have also found that Elliott needs individual time more frequently than Noah. With him feeling emotions so strongly, he often needs to check ins and coaching around how to manage strong feelings. This is something we talk about on a regular basis.

I don't want them to ever feel that because they are twins, that they have to be the same. I want to lean into their individual interest and passions to help them develop confidence in who they are outside of being a twin. They will grow up in a world where they will constantly be viewed as a package deal. I want them to feel comfortable stepping out on their own knowing that their brother will always be there, supporting them.

In the end, raising twins is a balancing act of nurturing their bond while fostering their individuality. As parents, we play a crucial role in helping them navigate this journey. It's a journey of discovery, where we learn as much from them as they learn from us.

As Noah and Elliott continue to grow, I am reminded that while they may have started their lives as a pair, they are destined to become individuals with their own dreams, passions, and identities. My hope is that by embracing their differences and celebrating their unique qualities, they will always feel confident in who they are, both as individuals and as twins.

So, here's to Noah and Elliott, two extraordinary individuals who happen to be twins. May they always know that their bond is unbreakable, their potential limitless, and their hearts forever intertwined.

Double the Trouble: Answering Common Questions About My Twin Pregnancies

There are times when I am asked what it was like to be pregnant with twins and how my pregnancies differed from each other. Here are some answers to common questions that I am asked regarding my twin pregnancies.

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What was your reaction when you found out you were expecting twins for the first time?

Our first twin pregnancy was in the midst of the pandemic. During that time, patients were not allowed to bring anyone with them to appointments, partners included. No more than thirty seconds into the ultrasound, the technician looked at the screen, looked at me and then back to the screen. She looked at me again and said "I see two in there. Do you see two?" I did not know what I was looking at on the screen to know what one baby looked like let alone two. I think the news was so much of a shock that I did not know how to process the information. It took a very long time for the information to process and sink in. With our second set of twins, we had known that since we had twins once, that there is a higher likelihood of having twins again. While we weren't expecting the news, we had anticipated the possibility of it. I took the entire day off from work, knowing I might hear that we were having twins and would need time to process the information. We were more focused on trying to figure out the logistics of having two sets of twins and four kids under twenty-two months.

How did you prepare for the arrival of twins during your pregnancies?

During the first trimester, I did not prepare...at all. I was wrapping my brain around the idea that I was growing two tiny humans and dealing with all the lovely symptoms of early pregnancy. Once I hit the second trimester, I felt ready to do some of my own research around what I needed for newborn twins. I did not know many people who had twins and could not find many local resources that were twin specific. I turned my search online to see what resources were out there about having twins. Twiniversity.com was an extremely helpful resource for me. Natalia Diaz's blog and resources covered all things twins that helped me process what it would be like to have twins. I also read her book, What to do When You're Having Two. Her website and book helped me figure out things like what to register for, what to anticipate for delivery and what it might be like having newborn twins. Nothing truly prepares you until they arrive but helped to provide me with some insight.

What were some of the biggest differences you noticed between twin pregnancies?

In both pregnancies, I had constant nausea and intense migraines during the first trimester. That's about it for similarities. During my first pregnancy, the boys were positioned on top of each other so I had babies kicking me from my pelvis to my ribs. With the second pregnancy, the babies were side by side so I did not experience as much discomfort. I had gestational diabetes during the first pregnancy but not with the second. This was something that surprised even my OB. With the second set I also had extremely painful varicose veins. My OB said this was probably due to it being my second pregnancy. In general, my pregnancies seemed more different than they were alike.

How did you manage the physical and emotional demands of carrying twins?

I worked full time during both pregnancies. I had to take a few sick days during the first trimester due to intense migraines and not being able to take any migraine medication. I found that throughout my pregnancy, it was important for me to not do any one thing for too long, whether that be sitting at my desk or being on my feet. At times in my life, I have struggled to adjust to change so I knew it was important for me to maintain my normal routine as much as possible. Once I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes with the first set of twins, I committed to walking around my neighborhood every day after work. The fresh air and light exercise were huge for my physical and emotional well-being. I learned that I needed to be patient and listen to my body while navigated twin pregnancy. I was also thirsty constantly so I drank what felt like gallons upon gallons of water.

Did you receive any special medical care or monitoring during your twin pregnancy?

During both pregnancies, I had more ultrasounds than a singleton pregnancy. This is something that is typical for most twin pregnancies. Towards the end of my pregnancies, I also had non-stress tests once a week. I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy and had to manage this with diet and exercise while checking my blood sugar levels four times a day. I did eventually need to go on insulin towards the end of my pregnancy. Due to having twins and gestational diabetes, my OB referred me to a maternal fetal medicine clinic to monitor my gestational diabetes more closely.

What advice do you have for other moms expecting twins in terms of prenatal care and preparation?

Most importantly, find an OB and clinic that you connect and feel comfortable with. I had been seeing my OB prior to being pregnant so already had an established relationship with her. This was helpful but not necessary. What I loved about my OB was that she took the time to understand me and my husband. She knew I was a planner and over-analyzer. She used that knowledge to shoot me straight on what to expect but not in a way that was scary or overwhelming. I cannot stress enough that if you do not feel one hundred percent comfortable with your OB or clinic, find someone you do feel comfortable with. It makes a huge difference. The time between appointments can sometimes feel like an eternity. My body was changing daily and did not know what to expect or what was normal. Being the worry wart I sometimes am, I would wonder if everything was ok or if I should be concerned. I learned early on that if there is something I was unsure of, I would call my doctor's office. Even if it was after hours and needed to talk to the on call nurse or doctor. At times this resulted in me at Labor and Delivery in the middle of the night doing a non-stress test to make sure everything was ok. While this was inconvenient, it provided me with peace of mind that my babies were healthy and everything was fine. My doctors and nurses always reassured me that if something felt off that it was best to call or go in. They never made me feel silly about any concerns I had.

What was your experience like delivering two sets of twins? Did you have any specific birth plans or preferences for each delivery?

I had no birth plan or expectations other than knowing I would deliver via c-section. This was something my OB and I discussed frequently and decided it was the best fit for my situation. However, I intentionally did not want to set any other expectations on my birth experience. Recovering from a c-section while instantaneously becoming a mom to two babies was overwhelming with the first set of twins. I felt equal parts joy and panic. Our nurses were incredible in helping and coaching us on how to take care of our babies. The second time around, I knew more about what to expect which made the process less daunting. However, the day after delivery, I tested positive for influenza which made the recovery process a bit more difficult in the hospital. It also resulted in us needing to quarantine from our babies until it was time to go home. I'll share more of this story in a future post.

Surviving the Newborn Stage with Twins: 10 Essential Lessons Learned

Any twin mama knows that the newborn stage can be a tricky one. After navigating delivery and surviving the newborn twin stage twice, there are a few thing that I have learned to be true.

1. Find a pediatrician you love and get on a first name basis. Shop around if you have to in order to find a pediatrician you feel comfortable with. You will spend enough money there to fund their kids to got to college so you might as well like and trust them.
   

2. Build routines but be flexible within them. During the newborn stage, you will wonder if you will ever get back to a sense of normal. We re-established normal by slowly building routines and structures back into our day. Over time, we developed a sleep schedule, feeding schedule and overall flow of our day. You will fall into a routine that works best for you and your babies. When we created a more predictable environment we actually found it to be easier to step out of our routine when we needed to.
   

3. Whatever is said between you and your partner at 4am doesn't count. Sleep deprivation doesn't doesn't bring the best out of anyone. Don't take it personally. You're both not pleased about being awake in the middle of the night. It's not worth the fight. Sleep and smile when you can.
   

4. Rely on your village. Don't have one? Then build one. You will need help no matter how amazing of a parent you are. Sometimes you will need an extra set of arms, a sounding board or someone to rotate your laundry (thanks Mom).
   

5. Trust you gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. When starting our first set of twins in daycare, we slowly started to feel like something just wasn't right and it wasn't the best fit for our boys. There wasn't one thing in particular that was wrong. It was just a gut feeling. We switched to a new center and when we dropped them off, felt immediate relief. Our kids have grown, learned and developed so much since being there and love the days when they get to go to "school."
   

6. You don't need two of everything. Except high chairs, car seats and cribs. We definitely needed two of those. We were able to rotate most toys and other baby products. Also our twins didn't always like the same thing. What one liked, the other one didn't. We have one of about every baby product made to man. It's a true trial and error process.
   

7. Get a Costco membership. Also, skip the shopping cart and go straight for the flatbed. Those diapers, wipes and boxes of emotional support chocolate take up a lot of space.
   

8. Hormones are a wild ride. Have people checking in and advocating for you. Twin pregnancy with twice the fun but is also twice the hormones. The highs are super high but the lows can be tricky. After delivering your twins, do the best you can to monitor for emotions. With our first set of twins, I felt short fused and had higher anxiety. I chalked this up as part of learning how to navigate life with two newborns. My preconceived notion of postpartum depression didn't fit what I thought I was going through. Once our oldest set were about 8 months, it felt as if a veil was being lifted and I was getting back to being "myself." It wasn't until then that I realized that what I was feeling was the result of postpartum depression. Recognizing this helped me to know what to look for when we had our second set of twins.
   

9. You will feel like a circus side show every time you are in public. People will stare. People will comment. Accept it and embrace it. We even took it to the next level and bought ourselves a Kia Carnival so we can be a traveling circus. People are baffled by the number of small children that crawl out of our vehicle.
   

10. Raising twins is one of the most incredible experiences of your life! Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, it is hard, but it is also amazing. Witnessing our babies grow and develop together is something that is beyond words. Currently, my favorite thing is watching our twins on the monitor interact and giggling with each other in bed when they should be sleeping. The bond they have and are building will last a lifetime. The best gift I have given them is each other.