Exploring the Emotional Impact: The Grief Journey of Parents of Twins

Many people wonder about my reaction when I learned I was pregnant with twins. It's challenging for me to respond to this question as there isn't a single emotion that can fully convey the range of feelings I went through. During my first pregnancy, I felt isolated and anxious due to Covid restrictions. I experienced relief upon hearing healthy and strong heartbeats. I felt thankful and shocked considering our previous struggles with conception and the possibility of not being able to have children. After all the initial emotions subsided, I gradually came to the realization that the journey into parenthood that I had envisioned was not the one I was embarking on.

When we decided to conceive again, our intention to have one baby to complete our family and experience raising just one child at a time. I hoped to explore aspects of parenting that I missed out on with our first twins. Although we were aware of the possibility of having twins again, the chances seemed slim. When we discovered we were expecting twins for a second time, I immediately began to wonder how we would handle four children under the age of two. The logistical and financial aspects seemed daunting. I was also not ready to tackle another challenging postpartum period. I must admit, I felt a sense of sadness. While I am thankful for our four healthy babies, I soon realized that my journey through parenthood would always be vastly different from what I had envisioned and from what the majority of parents experience.

Understanding the Grief of Unrealized Expectations

Let me clarify that the sorrow I felt does not stem from having twins, but rather from the realization that my parenting journey is different from what I had envisioned. It's the sorrow of not experiencing parenthood in the same way as most others do. The initial year of raising twins was all about survival for me. I never felt as if I could enjoy the newborn phase as I had once imagined. Simple acts like rocking my baby to sleep seemed out of reach. Breastfeeding didn't unfold as I had pictured it, given the demands of feeding two babies. Activities like mommy-and-me music or swimming classes were out of the question. Just getting the babies ready for a stroll around the neighborhood felt like running a marathon. The first year of parenting twins was grueling, scary and overwhelming. I felt I had missed out on truly enjoying the newborn stage.

I also felt a strong disconnection to many of my friends who were singleton parents. While all were trying to be supportive by offering advice and support, the advice was often not feasible when there were two babies rather than one. Things like feeding routines, nap time schedules, getting out of the house and traveling seemed exponentially more difficult. It was difficult for others to understand why we were so dependent on our routines and schedule. My husband and I desperately wanted to find connection and talk to others about our unique experiences in twin parenting but quickly began to feel impossible to relate to within our circles.

Finding Community

As a result, I decided to connect with other mothers of multiples. I was curious to find out if I was alone in experiencing this sense of "twin grief" and feeling isolated from parents with only one child. It turned out that this was a recurring theme in almost every conversation I had with other mothers of multiples. I finally felt understood and acknowledged. As I continued these discussions, common threads emerged. We all had to adjust our expectations of what parenthood should be like. We all came to terms with the fact that our approach to parenting had to be much different from that of others had experienced. We couldn't follow the same practices as other families and that's ok. People will always give us well intentioned advice but it often times is not feasible with twins. We joke around about all the silly things people say to people of twins and we forge our own path in parenthood. We were all figuring it out on our own and taking it day by day. There is solace in knowing that you are not alone.

Finding Acceptance and Joy

Although it was initially easy for me to focus on the challenges of twin parenthood, I have since learned to change my perspective to recognize the unique opportunities that come with having twins. Instead of dwelling on what we might be missing out on because of having twins, I now focus on the special experiences that having twins brings. I find joy in being able to provide my children with a companion to share every aspect of life with. They will witness each other's life milestones, share in each other's joys, and support one another through sorrows. I find joy in the moments when people stop me in public to admire the beauty of our unique family. I treasure the sight of my twins giggling in their cribs when they should be napping. I also appreciate the simple joy of buying coordinating outfits for my children, as there is nothing quite as adorable as two sets of twins dressed in matching clothes.

For new parents of twins who may be reading this, it's important to understand that experiencing twin grief is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Remember that there are many other parents of twins who are ready to talk and share their own struggles with twin grief. If you find it hard to connect with other parents of multiples in person, consider starting online. Join Facebook groups, follow other twin parents on Instagram, and don't hesitate to reach out to them. Few things bring more joy to parents of twins than talking to others going through similar situations. Personally, I have found that creating a community has been the most effective form of therapy for me. You are not alone in your parenting journey, and I can assure you that other parents of multiples have experienced and are experiencing the same feelings as you. It's important that we support and uplift each other in the midst of nap times and piles of laundry.

Navigating Postpartum Depression with Twins: My Personal Journey

The first few weeks with twins are a whirlwind – double the feedings, double the diaper changes, and yes, double the sleep deprivation. For me, the joy of becoming a new twin mom was undeniably present, but it was accompanied by an undercurrent of sadness and a feeling of being overwhelmed. My world had been completely flipped upside down and I did not have the coping strategies to turn it right side up. This experience made me realize that while all new moms face a risk of postpartum depression, twin moms face unique challenges. So, let's chat about what postpartum can really be like for us, how we can recognize the signs of postpartum depression/anxiety, and most importantly, how we can navigate those early days together.

We had our first set of twins at the tail end of the Covid pandemic. We also brought them home during the coldest week of the year, experiencing negative twenty and thirty degree wind chills. I was a first time mom, recovering from a c-section, with no idea of what taking care of one, let alone two newborns really entailed. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Fortunately, I have a mother who is extremely helpful and supportive that lives twenty minutes away. She stayed with us for the first few nights and came over whenever I felt I needed her during my maternity leave. My husband was also working from home so he supported during the day as well. However, none of us had any experience with twins. It was a learning curve for all of us.

I was cranky, irritable and anxious most of the time. I felt like I was continuously walking through a fog. I began to argue more and more with my husband. I attributed this to the stress of trying to take care of two newborns and being a first time mom. I knew postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety were a thing but my ego got in the way and convinced myself that there was no way I had PPD/PPA. I kept thinking, it will get better once the babies start sleeping longer at night. I will be less anxious once they are in their cribs and not our rooms. I'll be less irritable now that I'm done pumping. It was always the next milestone that would be the magic bullet to me feeling better. In my head, it was all external reasons for why I was feeling the way I was. I thought that if I admitted that it was something internally causing me to feel this way, then I was a bad mom or somehow broken.

It wasn't until my babies were eight months old that I felt as if the "fog" began to lift. There was no magic transition or developmental change that triggered it. I just slowly began to feel aspects of myself come back to me. Things that had been so triggering several months ago no longer bothered me. I was less argumentative with my husband. I had more patience when dealing with fussy babies. I felt like I could breathe again. It was at this moment that I finally admitted to myself that what I was experiencing was probably some form of postpartum depression or anxiety. This felt so freeing but as I reflected, I felt such sadness for the past me who did not seek help or support. Would my postpartum experience have looked different? Would I have felt more enjoyment in new motherhood?

When our boys were a little over one years old, we decided to try for one more. We were ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant again. I was petrified when I learned that it was twins again. I wasn't necessarily scared to have two babies again. We knew what to expect. I was scared to experience postpartum again. I was terrified I would walk back into the depression and anxiety fog. I did not want to go to that dark place again. Double the babies means double the hormone changes in postpartum. It thought it was almost inevitable that I would be faced with the same challenges.

What was different the second time around was my mindset. I felt armed with knowledge and experience to know what to look for and expect. I promised myself that if I felt like I was feeling remotely like I did with the boys that I would seek support. I talked to my husband about monitoring my mood and behavior in case I was not able to recognize it in my self. I was still scared, but I felt better equipped.

The first month of our second twins' lives was a whirlwind. I found I had Influenza the day after my c-section, which resulted in needing to quarantine from my babies during the hospital stay. When they were about two weeks only, our baby boy had gotten a bad stomach bug which resulted in a three night stay at the hospital. I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding at three weeks postpartum followed by another hospital stay for our baby boy for RSV. Our first month with four under two was mental and emotional toll I had not anticipated. However, I was not feeling the anxiety and irritability I had felt with our first set of twin. I thought this was a good sign.

It was during a night feeding, while I was trying to console an upset and hungry baby that I felt my perspective shift. In an instance, I felt overwhelmed and my mind was thinking "get this baby away from me." I mind was screaming at me to get away from the situation. I put my baby down back in her bassinet and had a full meltdown. My husband was up as well feeding our other baby and watched my response. It was such an extreme change from my natural response in those situations that both my husband and I acknowledged that something was not right. My initial reaction was to feel defeated but remembered my promise to myself that I would not let myself walk into the PPD fog again. I called first thing in the morning when my OBGYN's phone lines opened. I was seen the same day and started on the lowest dosage of Lexapro.

Acknowledging that I was struggling with postpartum depression and getting on the right medication for me was pivotal in shifting my experience with my second set of twins. Yes, I was still sleep deprived and I was learning how to embrace my new body, but I still felt like myself. While I am not proud of every moment within my postpartum journey, I am proud of the person and mother I have become. I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been. I feel compelled to openly discuss PPD/PPA and talk about my experiences in hopes it supports other new mothers and their babies.

Top 10 Must-Have Summertime Toys for Toddlers: A Twin Parent's Ultimate Guide

Welcome to my ultimate guide to summer fun! As a mom of two sets of twins under four, I've discovered the best toys to keep my kids entertained, active, and happy outside. If your kids are like mine, they could be outside from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. I work in public education which allows me to spend my entire summer with all four of my babies. However, this requires a lot of tricks up the sleeves to keep them entertained. These outdoor toys have turned our backyard into a haven of laughter and adventure. In this post, I'll share my top picks in a variety of price ranges that have brought endless joy to our family. Let's dive into the fun!

Bounce House

I recently purchased this bounce house in anticipation of the summer with four very mobile toddlers. I was trying to come up with easy ways to burn some excess energy while still keeping them contained in the backyard. I did a lot of research and read a lot of reviews before purchasing this one. I have been so impressed. Our kids are obsessed! It successfully entertained an eight year old, five year old, three sets of twins, and a set of triplets at the same time. You can set it up with or without water. It has a spray hose that hooks up to a "water cannon" and above the slide to create a water slide. My favorite thing about this bounce house is how easy it is to set up and tear down. I can have it set up in less than a minute and takes less than five to deflate and fold up. I purchased a large tote with wheels to store it in when it is not in use.

Reusable Water Balloons

We purchased these reusable water balloons last year and have been obsessed ever since. Our three year olds love to fill them and pop them on themselves, the playground and each other. The water balloons will entertain them for hours. I pull them out with any water activity we are playing. I love these simply for the fact that I don't have to fill up balloons or pick up the tiny pieces balloon afterwards.

Water Table

We were gifted this water table as a birthday present when our oldest set turned one. This table gets used on a regular basis during the summer. The sensory table is extremely easy to put together and is durable. It sustained the weight of my forty pound toddler when they decided to crawl in it. This water table is at a height that is accessible for my one year olds but not too short for my three year olds. It has many attachments that help sustain their attention. My personal favorite is the frog flinger.

Splash Pad

We absolutely love our splash pad. On the really hot days, we hook ours up to the hose and let it go for hours. When our youngest set of twins were six months old and sitting up, they loved to sit in the splash pad while they watched their brothers run through it. We would also put it right under the slide and set up a little water slide situation. The bigger the splash pad the better! Do make sure your kids are wearing water shoes or sandals while running through it as it can get slippery.

Scooters

Our three year old boys LOVE these scooters. I got these for the boys last summer and became masters of these within a couple tries. The boys ride these everywhere. We go on walks to the stream by our house and our boys always beg to bring their scooters. They go everywhere with us around the neighborhood. The boys are constantly begging to go on scooter rides together. I pop the babies in the stroller, click helmets on the boys' heads and go on a scooter ride. I love these because it is something I can easily do independently with two sets of twins while getting out of the house.

Spinning Teeter Totter

If you have twins, you need a teeter totter! All of our kids are obsessed with this. My husband's boss gave it to us due to their kids outgrowing it. Both our three year olds and one year olds love the teeter totter. It is a great way for both sets of twins to interact with each other. The older boys love to bounce on it with the babies and the babies usually giggle non-stop. It has ground stakes to keep if from moving and tipping. It is also light and easy to move if needed.

Swingset

Yes, this is a high ticket price item, but it is hands down the most played on toy/equipment we have. There is always at least one kid swinging or playing in the sand box. It has been a pirate ship, combine harvester and mountain. Our kids are constantly on, in or running around the swingset. The one that is linked is not an exact replica of what we have be is extremely close. This is our third summer with ours and it has worn well. I love that there is a place for a shaded sandbox and the kids love the rock wall. There are so many different swingset design options out there in a wide range of price points. Identify your budget and what you want most in a swingset. This will help you drastically narrow down your options.

Bubble Mower

Our toddlers are obsessed with all things bubbles! They love the bubble mowers and follow behind daddy whenever he is mowing. They will push them around the yard even if they aren't filled with bubble solution. We have gone through a couple versions of bubble mower and these have been the most durable and have not clogged up. I would try to avoid any bubble mowers that require batteries. We have found that they break easily.

Bubble Machine

I have found the bubble machine of all bubble machines! This thing shoots bubbles out at an alarming rate! It's simple to use and has few breakable parts. The space where you put the bubble solution is open which makes it easy to fill and easy to clean. It also keeps it from clogging easily. It is also pretty small and easy to store. The only down fall I have found is that it goes through bubble solution pretty quickly due to making so many bubbles so quickly.

Balance Bike

Like the scooters, our toddlers love their balance bikes. It has helped them develop balance by pushing, scooting or walking on the bike. The adjustable seat makes it so that our three and one year olds can both ride it. They love to ride their balance bikes around the driveway. It is very lightweight for when your toddler ultimately decides to be done riding it in the middle of walk and you have to carry it home.

baby on teeter totter